Distraction on a bright sunny afternoon

Oh dear. Only three sets of notes revised in more than half a day. Today's been dismal in terms of studying efforts, again.

Perhaps I can attribute it to being distracted by the sounds of kids coming from the living room... haha, but no that's not it. I'm just trying to find excuses for myself as usual. I've been plain surfing for interesting sites too much. Memorising those notes just drains my attention span to a minimal. And I kept glancing at the computer to choose which chinese songs to listen to. I guess finding that music website wasn't such a good idea after all. To think I thought that by not switching on icq I would be able to concentrate more on studying.

I keep looking out of the window, thinking to myself, " Should i go out to water those flowers? " According to the weather forecast it was supposed to rain since 3 days ago, but not a drop has fallen out of the sky. I'm afraid my flowers would dry up soon, but I'm just not taking the few extra steps to walk out into the garden.

More kid sounds. I wonder how samantha, my housemate can actually like babysitting kids. I think Australian kids are much "worse" than Singaporean kids in that they are just so noisy all the time. Perhaps that's why they grow up being more vocal and outspoken as well. Isn't it tiring to have to keep an eye on them all the time? She says she will try to do some work in the living room at the same time, but I seriously doubt it. I hope those kids don't terrorise my guinea pigs. Evidently, my sympathies lie with my pets rather than the kids. One can tell that I don't have much affinity for these particular kids unfortunately.

I think I have quite a short temper even though many people don't realise that. Some things are bound to irritate me but within a few minutes I might have forgotten about it if I walk away from it all. The noise from the kids outside are a little irritating right now. I can't imagine what it would be like to be their mother. On an interesting note, their mother whom I have met before is a very nice friendly young lady. I wonder how do such misbehaved hyperactive kids develop then? Is it because she is not strict enough with them?

One type of kids irks me most. The ones who think they know it all and are smart-aleckily rude to you. The bullies who treat others unkindly. But I really like mild-mannered shy kids. Is this prejudice or what?

How am i going to have kids of my own in future if i have such little tolerance!?!?!?!?!

Just a song

This is a song that I took a liking to over the past few days. Listen to it here. (look for Zhang Hui Mei's album Ye2 Xu3 Ming2 Tian1)

你好不好 by Zhang Hui Mei


你什麽都没说 只是牵著我的手
那一秒钟 也胜过一句爱我
你手中的温柔 还在我心里逗留
爱情却已变成停格的镜头
感觉少了些什麽 你好不好

当你开口对我这麽说
我就懂了你做的选择
爱若让你变得不快乐
我宁愿还给你自由
也许我应该保持沉默
留给彼此一个再见的理由
但在你转身後 眼泪却不停流

我并不是懦弱
害怕面对独自生活
只是你的影子总跟著我走
让我的心不自由

我想我已学会了
和寂寞做朋友
只是我想起你
居然有一道伤口
隐隐作痛

Dog and Cat Breed Selector

While surfing for cat and dog breed pictures for revision, I came across the Animal Planet website which contained the following dog and cat breed selector 'quizzes' .

http://animal.discovery.com/guides/dogs/selector/selector1.jsp

http://animal.discovery.com/guides/cats/selector/selector1.jsp

I thought it may prove somewhat interesting for anybody who may develop an interest in keeping a pet or two in their homes. Since I have a rather bleak outlook on marriage/relationship statistics in the future, I suggest that it's best to keep in view of the pets you can have to keep you company instead! ( of course, and help generate some income by bringing your pets to MEEE )

Warning: you may not be happy with the breeds that the results present you with... but that's the whole point... the reason why there are so many abandoned pets out there in the pound is because they might be unsuitable for you in the first place... It sure takes a lot of careful consideration when choosing a pet that fits your lifestyle and expectations! Pet shops should enforce a compulsory survey like this, to check that there is somewhat a match between the selected dog and the human, but I guess they might run out of business not long after. Ultimately, it's all about ethics...

Just a dream

I found this website where I can listen to some new chinese pop songs.... http://www.musicfever.org/chinese/gb.htm I'm so elated! I feel as if I've been deprived of having chinese music for my listening pleasure for the entire year. During the short few days I was back in Singapore earlier this year, I couldn't pick out any striking tunes from the few songs I heard on the radio at all. Finally, now I can sift through whole albums and absorb good melodies. My song preferences are always wierd... possibly due to the fact that I hardly take much notice of lyrics to begin with, and my first impressions are always based on whether I like the tune or not. That sometimes land me with strange preferences for songs that do not catch anybody else's attention at all. I've always wondered, what sets a good song apart from the others? Why are there just a few selective songs that 99% of the population immmediately take a liking to, such as Jay Chou's wu1 ding3 and Chen Hanwei's guan1 huai2 fang1 shi4 , despite everyone's different tastes? I suppose that no one really has an answer to that. If only music composers could come up with the perfect formula to create the tunes that can become a sure hit with EVERYBODY, so that good songs will be produced every single day... but I guess we might set an even higher benchmark for what we deem to be a "good" song. The music industry is so constantly evolving on its own that it's incredible. One wish of mine is to be able to compose a tune that tugs at people's hearts immediately upon hearing it. Is that possible, or merely a dream, I wonder...

Should I change my blog look?

Been surfing around for the past few days for a new template for my blog. I'm looking for something classy with a bit of fun in it. If there are animals involved, all the better! Finally found one that shows a kitten in it, but I wish I could design my own template. No time to think about that now! Exams are coming straight up and I've been doing anything BUT studying.

Anyway, it's the content of a blog that makes it impt, isn't it?

I had the last of my animal handling pracs this afternoon. Goodbye to the 'lovely' cows, and see you guys in 2 weeks' time. That's when we will be having our last minute revision before the exam the following week. I have less qualms with regards to sticking a sharp object in animals now. Good. Perhaps I'm on the way to becoming a top-notch cold-blooded killer, desensitized by all these practices. But the less I fear handling these animals, the more I love being around them. In fact, I found myself flicking away flies from cows' eyes while they're restrained, so that they won't feel uncomfortable having irritating flies crawling around the rims of their eyes. Drat the flies. I wonder how vets in the country survive fly swarms in the summer. Do they swat the flies with their hands while looking terribly unprofessional, or do they feel nothing at all, even as the flies fly up their nostrils and into their mouths? I wonder if insect repellant works, and if so, do they have any effects on animals that we are treating? It was mentioned in our horse lecture, that stallions can be attracted to women wearing perfume and even men with aftershave scent. I'll keep that in mind... wouldn't want a horse to trample me to death in the attempt of mounting me! ( I'm sure they are smarter than that)

This semester, I feel as though I haven't accomplished as much as I had wanted to. Come to think of it, the only goals I've met are to have learnt horse-riding (which I'm still going to continue, but boy, are the lessons expensive), and to have joined the a capella, which was fun while it lasted. Does making popiah and kambing soup count as well? How about planting my own flowers and attempting to take care of them ( ignore the fact that they seem to be dying with less rainfall nowadays ) ? Of course I'm pretty proud of myself that I can now do all that's required of me in animal handling classes. But that doesn't quite count, because I had to do it sooner or later, as a vet student. Anyway that's a few less dreams to accomplish before I die * wry grin * One day I will come up with a list of 100 things to do before I leave this world. It will be fun to make the list along with super-duper close friends * hint,u know who u are*

A Poem that inspires

If by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And—which is more—you'll be a Man, my son!

See any resemblance?

Thanks to a friend's recommendation, I derived quite a lot of amusement from the following website http://illustmaker.abi-station.com/index_en.shtml and created the above image. I guess there can be more resemblance if I had wanted, but I prefer to indulge in a cuter version of myself..

*blush*

Tackling the weaners

There goes Lydia looking real serious as she moves to pick up these weaners, another component of our pig handling. (Weaners are piglets that have been removed from their mothers' milk).

Our first horse prac

Me and Lydia at our first horse prac.

Applying the Nose Twitch

Applying the nose twitch on the horse is one of the procedures that we have to be able to perform with our eyes closed, eventually. It's a form of pain distraction for the horse, i guess it releases endorphins, though I'm not 100% sure.

Vet Students in general

No, it doesn't quite take up to 4 people to wash this short-haired dog ( I think it's a labrador ) but I just merely joined in to take the photo.. hehe

Washing the labradoodle

Brian, Mayu and I at work


If I'm not wrong, this is one of the labradoodles that I washed that day. Nice friendly disposition they've got, these dogs. Some of them come in grey and return to their owners white as new!

Dog wash at a glance

This was the dog wash held at Murdoch horse barn, which i mentioned just one week ago. Chaotic, wet and messy are the words that come to mind. We've got pretty good response from the public every year... they bring their dogs in to be washed for 10 bucks. This cannot work well in Singapore, because I think that, should Singaporean owners know of this, they would not have washed their dogs for weeks before the event! just so, to make it more "worthwhile". Then again, I could be overgeneralizing for the population what I think to be the mentality of an average Singaporean.

The disappearing act

Rectal palpation from another view, this time clearly demonstrated by William with a look of happy curiosity.

What's all that residue on Lydia's hand?

Here is Lydia trying to show how dirty one's hands can get from rectal palpation. Thank heavens for those gloves! Despite the claim that these gloves can last a veterinarian through 200 cows without breaking, mine broke immediately after my first cow. How's that? Anyway it's really tiring to have to hold out your arm that is covered with shit, away from you so that you don't soil your overalls ( and have less to wash later on). Seriously, cow dung isn't so bad after all, other than the fact that it's a little too runny for my "taste" hehe.

Searching for treasure

Thought I would put up the photos of the recent cow rectal palpation on my blog, seeing how interesting it is, even for vet students. We won't be doing this again till 4th year. Don't I look like I know what I am doing? :P

Sense of Satisfaction from completion of project

I just spent the entire whole day working on a poster for a group project! actually, it's 12 hours to be exact. I haven't done this sort of activity in a long long while, not since secondary 4 when me and my secondary sch friends put together the project for Fibonacci and music *nostalgia* How nice it was to be able to produce the end product from merely cutting up pieces of papers, typing out the words for content, and sticking them in a nice layout! I think... today I was being a little too niao at times... cuz I like things to be perfect. I guess, as Brian and Kelvin would have found out after today, a difference of 1mm in proportions would not ever escape my notice. I really enjoyed the decorating bits. Maybe that's just because I'm girlish at heart. *Yikes, I don't like the sound of that*

But it's been a long time since I was happy for the entire day. I don't know why too, but I just was, today. It's really fun working with Brian and Kelvin ( and Lisa for part of the day ) and am I glad that I got them for group members.

Inkblot Test

Jiamin, your subconscious mind is driven most by Peace

You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment. Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others.

Hey, I didn't know that! I doubt the truth of the results though.. even though any kind of conflict disturbs me more than anything irregardless of whether I'm implicated or not, I certainly do not look forward to living merely a peaceful boring existence.

Current interest: Alpacas


This is a relatively new breed of animals that belong to the same family as the more well-known Llama ( the animal in Emperor's new groove ;P ) only that alpacas are about twice as small as llamas and oh they are so cute :)

Why I find these animals fascinating:

• they spit! at people, and among themselves i presume. I do know that the females spit at the males when they are pregnant and do not want to mate anymore. What admirable character and role models for the women of today! though I'm not very sure if human males will be turned off by unladylike spit with high projectile motions...
• they protect sheep! apparently these animals, other than farmed for their fleece, are also bought to be put among sheep to minimise fox attacks on lambs which can occur quite frequently. What wonderful protectors of the weak.
• they get along well with other animals! as previously mentioned, they get along well with sheep, obviously, and also do well with cattle. I have seen how an alpaca nuzzle the sheep around it as it walks into the crowd majestically and bows its head down in communication.
• they have strong specific likes and dislikes that are not quite explainable! in lecture few days back we were told of this story where a group of students were in a pen with an alpaca for a long time, and in came another student who was immediatly spat upon and chased. Just as human beings are attracted to unsolved mysteries, I am very interested in finding out what accounts for an animal's individual preferences and behaviour.

In a nutshell, they are irresistible.

I'm not sure how long my obsession with this animal will persist ( I'm currently reading up the national alpaca review even though it's not required for exam.. sigh.. exams ), but I'll be going to an alpaca farm the week before I return to singapore for my farm attachment scheme. Apparently the owner of the alpaca farm is a vet himself, so I gather the experience can only be good, if not, better! Think I better stop, I think i'm beginning to sound a little nutty here.

the infamous rectal palpation

today, i inserted my hand into 4 cows' asses.

It was quite an experience, one that I have heard about even before getting into the Murdoch vet school . I still can hear my mother trying to dissuade me from setting my sights on vet science by telling me how horrible it can be, especially since i'll be made to insert my arm into the cow's bum. Another famous eg is that of the vet who was kicked and made paralysed for life by a horse at the turf club. I thought to myself that I simply wouldn't be so unlucky as to meet with such misfortune. Of course, I never thought the prospect of having my arm in the cow's ass was a scary one, even then. today, I discovered it is just... squeezy. Warm. Mushy. A Unique sensation.

Rayya took some photos of us with our shit-covered arms, and I'm hoping to get them from her before the school term ends. I had wanted to put up photos of our earlier animal pracs, but I thought I looked simply too disgusting to be seen by anyone outside of vet school :P hehe!

Unlike other farm animals which shit pellets, cows just excrete BLOBS. Similar to massive diarrheoa in pulsatile WAVES... you put your hand into the anus, and push... feel your hands being engulfed by warm tight walls as more of your arm slides into the depths of mush. If you're lucky you won't meet with resistance from waves of shit on its way out, oh, and the gas.... I got farted in the face today and some shit flew out when i was least expecting it... never talk with your mouth wide open i suppose!

anyway, in case anyone is wondering why on earth would vet students put their hands into the cow's ass for a rectal palpation, it is a common practice to diagnose for pregnancy in the cow and to give a rough estimate of its stage in pregnancy if so. You can actually feel parts of the calf, part of the left kidney, the cow's rumen, the uterus, just to mention a few "landmarks". bah. I haven't gotten the hang of it yet. I couldn't be sure of what it was that i felt as i groped around in there.

I look forward to the day I would know with certainty what I'm doing!

Murdoch Dog Wash

Just came back from the vet school annual dog wash event. It turned out to be much more fun that i thought! I'm so glad that I had gone for it, though I can't claim any credit for it cuz if brian hasn't decided to sign up at the last minute I might not have taken the initiative to participate in it. All's well that ends well, met quite a couple of people from my year there too.

Dog washing is a fun but dirty activity. By the end of the allocated 2 hours, I was walking around arkwardly in totally soaked wet track pants ( oh how i hate that sensation of wet cloth against the skin ) with dog hair plastered onto my skin. I think i must have looked real messed up! At the end of it we were given a free lunch - bbq hot dog in a bun - their standard so-called australian bbq fare ( they should try OUR singaporean bbq food... what's the point of bbq if it's only to cook the hot dogs to put in a bun? ) but anyway, I spilled ketchup all over myself, and boy did i really look bedraggled then.

I finally got to see what a labradoodle looks like in real life today. It just looks like a humongous white dog with slightly curly long hair all over. got to say that I really like their temperament. Or perhaps I just got to meet this particularly nice one which licked me while i was trying to restrain it to be washed. but they're larger than I thought they would, that's for sure. No wonder the breed is getting more popular here. Before I came to Australia I haven't heard of it ever before. Singaporeans just want to keep the same ole breeds, but perhaps it's just due to the fact that the pet shops sell the same kind of dogs all the time. Golden retrievers are just hot favourites anywhere, but I don't like the fact that they can easily get obese if they're not well exercised, something which I'm sure will happen very frequently if kept in singapore. Speaking of obesity in dogs, I don't like the mentality of owners who feel that a fat dog is better than a skinny one. Sounds familiar? You get to hear that from some parents as well, who feel obliged to fatten up their kids as much as possible. Dogs are like children in that sense I suppose. You can't spoil them by letting them have everything they want. What I think is, if you can't be firm with a dog, you probably won't be very firm with your kid either. And when the dog/kid does not turn out well, it's the owner/parent's fault ( who will sometimes shirk responsibility or the blame of course ). Right now at home in Singapore, I have recently changed my dog Hawky's diet to that of home-cooked food ( with the right proportions of nutrition i hope... I have read quite a few books to be sure) and laid off the use the canned foods by commercialised brands, in the attempt to resolve his skin problem. Thank heavens it worked within a couple of months, and Hawky is now a much healthier, more active, but skinnier dog. However, I have heard that apparently my relatives have commented on his loss of weight and their views tend towards the critical, disapproving end. It kinda upsets me a little that they are imposing their beliefs on MY dog... and that most people just simply accept what appears to be the "norm" without questioning. Following the crowd doesn't always mean that you're in the right, is it? what about the saying " majority rules" ? why is the concept of right or wrong determined by something as silly as numbers or quantity?

How do I make up for wasted time?

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel as though you have wasted your time/life away? That usually happens when you find yourself with a group of people whose conversation made you realise how little it is that you know. And how essential those knowledge and current affairs actually are. What a "frog in a well" you have been all this time. That is exactly how I feel right now. I'm very annoyed at myself for sitting in my comfort zone and forgetting how unknowledgable I really am, and not realizing how precious time really is. Suddenly I see the world as a buffet spread of knowledge, and I feel as though I have been walking around aimlessly all this time, vaguely acknowledging the existence of information, but never quite actively digesting it. I hate to remind myself that I've totally cut myself off from world affairs ( though, have I ever connected to begin with? ) and that I've just been concentrating on my narrow-minded viewpoint of what I deem as important all along....

It's just terribly disturbing because only you yourself are fully aware of how you could have spent your time more fruitfully...and there's also that mild panic as you realise that such awareness does not signify the ability to throw away your old lifestyle and habits easily... in fact, there is the danger of losing sight of the big picture once you are caught up with assignments and tests...

All I want to do is to enjoy the music

It's one heck of a tiring day but I'm happy that it's over. Our muscles were tested this afternoon when we were presented with this mob of pregnant ewes with bad feet and we had to help Kim clip their horrible hooves for him. In the end there wasn't much time to practise bleeding sheep. I'm happy enough to be able to draw blood upon my first try though. Those pregnant ewes are very VERY heavy ( i estimate bout 60kg at least? ) and stubborn as well, but who can blame them? If I were to carry two babies in my stomach and someone came along trying to manhandle me, not to mention continuously making me sit by applying pressure on my butt... I wouldn't care even if they were trying to cut my toenails for my own good.

I'm currently enjoying soundtrack music from the anime Full Moon wo Sagashite... it's really the best feel-good anime I have watched so far, and even listening to the music brings back the same good feeling. *swoon* if I were to choose an imaginary bf in my fantasy world, there is not one doubt who it will be - Takuto! But i guess nobody will ever know what i'm talking about, till they watch the anime series themselves. Anyway, the anime is basically about a little girl who contracted terminal throat cancer and was sent 2 death angels to assist her in her last year so as to make her transition over to the spiritual world a more peaceful one. They ended up fulfilling her wish to become a top-notch singer and to seek her childhood love. What lovely twists and turns towards the end... and the songs in the show just gives me goosebumps constantly. Just how many songs in a lifetime can we encounter that gives us goosebumps? I mean in a pleasant way, of course. Before watching this anime, I don't believe I ever felt the sensation from listening to any kind of music. I cannot explain why I would have such a reaction from something that isn't even real though.

Recently I've been feeling disappointed when I wake up from my dreams... I wonder why. It's as though I don't want to wake up.

At the Perth Royal Show
Left to Right: Mayu, me, Lydia, Kelvin

It seems that while I was having my one week break from lessons at school, I also took a break from writing in my blog.. I guess I just didn't feel like doing anything, except download anime with my computer. It's seriously quite a waste of energy and time monitoring the downloads but I had a good time watching the end product... But i'm going to keep a promise to myself to start studying for the finals NOW.

Sometime during the past week, I went for the Perth Royal Show with Kelvin, Lydia and Mayu, collectively termed the "non-attachees". Well, Lydia wasn't exactly unattached, but her significant friend couldn't make it on that particular day so she had to join us :) Good for us I guess. I wonder if it's only understandable that couples would want to go off on their own. After all it's a once a year event, with funfair games and activities, and the perfect opportunity to create new memories together with a person close to your heart. That's all what it's about isn't it? Spending necessary quality time together in order to build a relationship.... if I were to be a guy, I would definitely bring a girl to a funfair... for there will be so many chances to present myself as a "knight in shining armour"- winning soft toys for her at the games ( provided I have some useful skills such as throwing or shooting! ), sitting thrilling rides with her, enjoying a romantic ride in the ferris wheel at night... perhaps I have been watching too movies, or reading too many trashy romances...

Tears as a weapon?

I have been watching quite a fair bit of anime recently, but today I just finished a series that made me bawl my eyes out for the last few episodes. That anime is Kanon. I had read a review before watching the show, which commented on how the storyline picks up too slowly at the beginning but the ending was worth watching. Well, I certainly found it touching considering how many tears I managed to shed over it, but I don't think it's meant to be a tearjerker... I couldn't help myself. Anyway, it's good to be able to express your emotions, rather than keep it all in, isn't it? On the other hand, if i had been watching the anime with other people, there is no way I would let my emotions show... I don't know why either, but I guess I take it as a sign of displaying your weakness to people. I cannot keep track of the countless times in the cinemas that I have to pretend to adjust my specs and brush hair off my face when in actual fact I was wiping away tears. How silly is that?

I remember being quite a crybaby since I was young. But I stopped letting others see me cry ( not unless I can help it ) when once I was "accused" of using my tears as an emotional weapon, to make someone else feel bad. Of course, that wasn't true at that time, but if it had been, imagine how powerful I would be now if I could control my tears at will. I know that there are bound to be girls out there who do use such tactics to get what they want, for isn't it true that most guys will feel threatened and helpless by a girl who starts crying in front of them?

Having said that, it would almost seem like I'm guilty of that myself. But I haven't, for I don't see myself as having the guts to manipulate people. In my memory, there seems to be only just one time when my bursting into tears turned things to my advantage. And I've been teased about it too, about having gained a relationship through clever manipulation on my part. Now I really can't care less about what people might think on something that happened quite long ago. One thing I have learnt, is NOT to drink alcohol especially when you've got any unresolved unhappy issues... You never know what you might end up saying.

Only myself to blame

It really isn't a good day, but I suppose I only have myself to blame. It takes time for the realization of idiocacy of the situation to sink in. I cannot believe, that I just got caught by the traffic police for not wearing a seat belt.

This is terribly embarassing and I'm very VERY annoyed with myself. Though it was a habit that formed only recently, I am aware of the risks involved and I don't know why the hell was I playing with fire then? It's been quite a while since I developed the bad habit of not putting on the seat belt when I drive to the nearby supermarket from my home, which is less than a 5 minutes drive away. I've been living here for nearly half a year and never have I seen the police parked at the junction I got stopped at... what "luck" I have. Perhaps if I had been more observant I could have seen the police from a distance before approaching and put on my seat belt before then. I will not deny that I have always wondered how it is that people get caught for not putting on seat belt..just how is the police able to spot such a thing so quickly? Today, I finally have my living proof. I am such an idiot. such a BAKA. ARRRRRGHHHHHH...

I cannot believe that I was still grinning at the traffic police guy when he gave me that fine. Just like I was also smiling from fear?horror?shock? when long long ago I discovered hours before my flight that my plane ticket's final destination was not where I wanted to go...

I just feel like killing myself. Not literally, but that's how upset I am with myself.