When you feel lost in the rain, hold on to your faith and believe in yourself. Perserverance holds the key to something more beautiful after the struggle you have endured.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
It's too quiet here
Leaving Singapore for Perth after my summer break always has the same undesired effect on me... I immediately wish, if only I hadn't been so bad-tempered and impatient at home. The same regret repeats time after time, and it escalates the more aware I am of it. Sigh. I make all sorts of resolutions before returning home, only to find it next to impossible to keep them. I've been back for a day now, and the regret is still lingering.
School is starting tomorrow. It took me a whole night and a day to get my room nice and clean again, but I know that it won't be long before things fall into disarray again. I just realised, it is so disturbingly quiet here, and I space out occasionally as a result. Yet, when I turn on my music to ease the stillness, it becomes too noisy to focus or concentrate on anything at all. I feel the "life of solitude" returning. But I'm trying my best to see the potential in having all this quiet time to myself... given the ideal opportunity to meditate.
Summer holidays flew by in a flash. After celebrating my birthday with my family tomorrow, I will be leaving Singapore for Perth to embark on my third year of school. I just met up and parted with my closest friends in Singapore today. If life is going to be a continuous stream of hellos and goodbyes, I imagine my heart to have minor scarring and bruises all over its surface. My friend Kelvin sent me a poem which told of the beauty of a scarred heart as compared to one that is unblemished. Wisely speaking, it is better to have loved and been hurt, than to have locked your emotions away safely and to have never given your heart freely to people dear to you.
However, isn't it simply a natural instinct to call upon self-preservation when one does not know if prior wounds have healed? Once bitten, twice shy. It's no wonder that with each relationship, one's expectations and reservations increase. But how would one differentiate between a wise decision not to plunge into commitment and a mere mechanism to cope with fear of hurt?
I think, I feel, I fear. The romantic moods of February must be getting to me.
Isn't it strange how certain people you meet in your life just leaves you with plenty of inspiration and a deep impression every single time? I've just had one such experience with a friend today. I am really grateful to him for I won't ever forget how it was him who first encouraged me to find out what I'm really interested in and just go ahead and DO It. Interestingly, meeting up with him again today really jolts me to my senses... his words clearly a reminder as to how I can improve myself. I find myself impressed by his philosophies, and wishing that I could learn to be more like him... more flexible and carefree, to take the initiative more often, etc.. qualities that I know I should acquire to become more rounded... but yet, never quite doing it. I'm just so glad that I got to catch up with him today... it left me feeling more 'enlightened' on what truly are the things that matter in life... and a clearer direction as to how I should move on from here. One day, I honestly hope I can be of as much help to a friend in a similar way.
I wonder if this experience is what another friend of mine commented the other day - the existence of people who "complement" each other. Hmm. Nah.. I don't think so. I simply cannot see any personal quality in me that complements the friend whom I admire.
