The ego in all of us

A question to anyone out there: is it wrong to like to do something just because you are good at it?

I have thought about this for some time now, and today, after returning home from my horse handling prac, I felt this overwhelming liking for horses.. and so I attributed it to my finally feeling confident enough to deal with horses for the final exam. Not that I didn't like horses before, but compared to the first horse handling session I had five weeks ago, I definitely like working with these wonderful animals more than ever before. Maybe this example isn't good enough. Take choosing of career paths for example.Some people I know would opt for a job which require a skill that they probably already know they are good at. I'm just wondering, which comes first, skill or passion? When I learn of people being passionate at fields they have a talent for, I wonder if it's wrong to do something only because you are good at it. It's fantastic if one really feels strongly about their career, regardless of whether they have a natural talent or not, but what about those who pursue their strengths in order to achieve fame and "make it big" in their field? Aren't they merely trying to feed their ego then, and will they eventually realise that they haven't been working to contribute to society, but rather, selfishly serving their own needs? Is it possible to have an enriching fulfiling career and life when one's motivations are not ethically right?

So another big question is, should one capitalize on their strengths, or should one enhance their ability to adapt to different skills and become a jack of all trades? I definitely admire people who opt for the latter because they are not just simply playing it safe in life. I believe it takes a lot of courage to be able to leave your comfort zone and start from scratch each time you pick up something new. Perhaps, only by doing this can we then grow in strength. Yet, the idea of not making full use of the inherent talent that one discovers in him or herself may seem absurd to certain people. Why throw away a gift bestowed upon you? Maybe you are meant to achieve greater heights with that special talent. I don't know. I really don't. And I don't suppose there is any right or wrong answer to this. It's all a matter of opinion really.

Two similar looking dogs

Here's a message dedicated to my favourite friend...

When we discuss dog breeds, I've been wondering for a long time whether you like siberian huskies or alaskan malamutes... both of these breeds look similiar, but originate from different countries, as appropriately named. I think there is a difference in size too. I was at a dog judging show once and the man in charge of a few huskies was nice enough to let his dogs out of the cage so that we could pet them. Their eyes were uncannily wise and sparkly... not the type of eyes you would want to look deep into if they were of a human. I just thought i would put up the link here for you, or anybody else who would be interested in finding out the difference between a siberian husky and an alaskan malamute. The alaskan malamute deserves as much fame as the siberian husky, I believe.

Siberian Husky: http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/siberianhusky.htm

Alaskan Malamute: http://www.dogbreedinfo.com/alaskanmalamute.htm

Off to school now.

Waves of nostalgia

This is hilarious... I have been trying to log in to blogspot for the past 10 minutes while trying to study at the same time... and I kept getting error messages for entering the wrong username.. First, I tried signing in as grainbowgazer, and then oops, ok, realised it and removed the g. and then, i attempted to sign in as rainbowgrazer. Am I turning into a farm animal or what??

Sigh.... I just read an entry by my friend regarding mooncake festival, which is just tomorrow. I'm feeling sad because I know that I won't be celebrating it, for the second year. And the arrival of this festival just brings back many past memories.. from as early as when I was a kid, to the year right before I came to Australia, when I was still in Pittsburgh CMU. It's always wonderful to be able to celebrate this sort of festivals with loved ones and friends. but it also means that when you don't get to celebrate it with people around u, there is a tendency to feel extra lonely and nostalgic about how you're away from it all, away from the people u would want to spend it with.

When I was a kid, my dad would buy sparklers for me and my sisters to play with, and we would all gather in our garden and sit round this table eating mooncakes and pomelos, while drinking chinese tea. It's a very traditional kind of setting I suppose, which i didn't appreciate as much as I do, now! Oh, and then there were foldable paper lanterns, or cellophane paper lanterns that either my sisters or I made during art classes in school ( hm, then again, I suspected that my mother made most of those for us haha). But I believe my favourite were still the battery-operated lanterns that became more popular (at least, to me) and could even carry a tune when u turned it on. Just thinking about that brings out a smile in me. Oh so corny.

But anyway, the point is, I really treasure those days. And I would love to be at home right now to be able to do that all over again. But those days will never come by again. After all, my eldest sister and I would never be at home in Singapore at this time of the year, at least not within the next few years. And I hate to admit that I would rather live in the past, than to look forward to the day that we can sit around again and celebrate mooncake festival as a whole family, because I know that things would be vastly different then. My sisters and I would not be as innocent as we were in those days anymore. We would have experienced life in different ways and there would be many words unspoken and unbridgable gaps between us that separate us further even as we sit there, within reach of one another physically. Much as I long for the days of the past, I fully realise we can never turn back the clock.

Foolishly sentimental, aren't I?

And I would also like to revisit the days I spent mooncake festival with different friends... such as that first MAF I experienced in Hwa Chong when the wushu pple put up a performance wearing white shirts and red hwa chong ties, even the girls. I remember the dance sequence and following sword movements that the girls put up, the amusing antics acted upon by the guys... the feeling of being part of a team is what's most memorable on that particular day. I recall white lilies and spending some quality time with a special someone on that day too... sweet memories, but a thing of the past.

It would be strange to say that I've got mooncake festival and a friend from London to thank for, to be able to get to where I am today. I would never have gotten the courage to think about changing my course of study if I hadn't happen to be talking to Libing the night the Singapore Students Association in CMU organised a mooncake festival celebration... I know that was the night that I started to think actively about what I really wanted to do. It's a good thing for him that I don't think I will ever regret the decision I made, or else he would be feeling pretty responsible for any sad plight that I may be in right now :P Hehe..but I don't deny that I never thought about what could have been if I hadn't left CMU. I'm not sure if I would be happier or feeling more sucky, but I choose to see it as an choice I made to embark on a different path, not necessarily right or wrong. And despite having to re-adapt to uni life in a totally different environment and losing 1.5 years of my youth (ooh time is soo precious), I now think that I would never regret having met all the people I got to know while I was there... even though I may not have continued to keep in touch with most of them now. Was it fated for me to take that short diverted path? And would my path ever cross again with those people I met? I wonder a lot, but luckily for my own good, I have stopped searching for an answer and making comparisons between my old and new life.

I knew I would get terribly nostalgic.. true enough!

Dogs in my life

Since morning I've been looking up dog breeds as an early start to studying for the end of semester breed exam. There are really too many to remember! I have thought about how cool it would be to be able to simply rattle the animal breed off the tip of my tongue in response to seeing just about ANY animal. Alas I guess I still have a long way to go. The other vet students in the course are just way better in terms of that ability... in fact, I have to admit that it was kinda discouraging when we went through the breed lecture earlier this semester when lots of them could identify the breeds shown on the powerpoint slides and we( the singaporean students ) couldn't.... I'm not too sure if it's because in Singapore we haven't been exposed to as many breeds as compared to those who grew up in Australia. There is definitely a difference in the breeds favoured here though. Like we don't get to see many australian kelpies, border collies, boxers, just to mention a few, in Singapore. Singaporeans could only keep the smaller breeds such as chihuahuas, jack russells (I still haven't figured out why so many people like those.. they are too jumpy and licky for my taste), shi tzus etc... Anyway it's interesting to note the trend of dogs kept by different sort of people. We always get to see old ladies taking their little dainty pooches out for walks here at evening time. The younger generation go for the medium sized dogs such as golden retrievers and border collies... and I can see why, those lovely dogs would just about melt anybody's heart.. but that is just my humble opinion. :)

Personally I have always preferred the long-haired dogs. When I was in primary school and wanted a dog, I liked pomeranians best. They turn out to be small barking machines but oh well, they are cute. I had Nicky first, who was an unwanted dog from someone living in a flat.. probably Nicky was making way too much noise. He wasn't really a pomeranian but more of a spitz-like dog. Anyway, the story about him wasn't too pleasant since he had to be sent away eventually due to feng shui reasons... I never did want to pursue his outcome. Then came Bobby. Oh he was so very cute when we first saw him in a Thomson Plaza pet shop which we frequented.. he was only a puppy and was being sold along with his sister. To this day I wondered what would have happened if we had bought his sister together with him, but as we didn't have experience dealing with dogs/puppies I suppose that thought never crossed my mother's mind. (now I'm a staunch believer in keeping pets in pairs) Bobby stayed with us for 7-8 years? before he passed away of some unknown sudden attack to his internal organs... as a veterinary student I'm frustrated that I didn't find out the cause of his death then, but I believe the vet we brought Bobby to was baffled as well. And there is Hawky now, who came to stay with us because he was growing too big for his first home. He's quite a dear, yet, he reminds me of a reformed ruffian. He's not much to look at, but he's got a lot of intelligence in his eyes. Poor Hawky, he had to move around quite a bit while we were renovating our house and it was only recently that we managed to get him back to stay with us. I didn't used to like him before when Bobby was still around, because I felt that he terrorized Bobby and made him bark all the time. In a way it ought to be funny, because Hawky acted like this cheeky youngster playing tricks and irritating an old man(Bobby). But because Bobby belonged to me... I guess I resented the disturbance. Now, during the occasions that I went back to Singapore, I would bring Hawky out for walks sometimes. He is able to sense my moods and I suspect, my thoughts as well. One incident left a really strong impression on me... every evening as we left the house to take a walk, I would mentally plan out the route to take and how long I planned to stay out with Hawky. It's funny how he would be terribly excited at first, but after just about shitting anywhere, he would calm down and we would walk leisurely around the neighbourhood. So there was this one time when we came to the playground at the back of my house. Well, he finished his business, and I had every intention to going back home immediately after because I was in a hurry. He sat down on the pavement and refused to budge. I could have sworn he was sitting there and smilin at me. I tugged at his leash in the direction of home but he just stayed there and looked around. And there I was, under the watchful eyes of children and their parents in the playground, who looked at me as though I didn't know how to manage my dog (well, I didn't). I tried talking to Hawky but he just looked at me. Sigh, he really made fun of me then. After a long while I suddenly had the thought of walking in the opposite direction (which was a long way from home). He got up immediately as if nothing had happened and we 'merrily' went off in a big circle just to get back home. It's sad that I can't even hold out against a stubborn dog. But he's got character, and I love him for it.

There are two dog breeds that tug at my heart strings... one of which I guess I have announced to most of my friends about how much I liked them - shetland sheepdog, or sheltie. It is impossible to describe in words the feelings I guess when I visited dog shows and am surrounded by dogs of this breed... I just simply want one for myself badly. I'm not sure when it was that I fell in love with shelties... but I was first exposed to it when I visited my JC wushu friend's house and she kept one. It wasn't exactly the most intelligent, well-behaved or quietest dog in the world, but I felt it had a soul. In fact in every sheltie that I have seen, I felt that I could connect with its character. And it's not wonder too.. there ARE similarities... how they make wonderful pets but are reserved towards strangers, and they are very intelligent and trainable dogs. Haha, I'm not saying that I can be well trained but I am very reserved towards strangers... perhaps that is why I do not have a fondness of dogs who go licking everyone's faces and is hyperactively friendly with the whole world. At the perth royal show last year, I saw owners and their show dogs resting after the judging was over, and I was charmed by what I saw - shelties lying in their owners' arms and really connecting. I may sound nuts to say this, but I crave the same kind of connection with my dog(s) and pets. Check out the beauty of a shetland sheepdog here. http://www.dogzonline.com.au/breeds/community/shetland_sheepdog.asp

I can't say much for the other breed of dog that I like second best.. because I haven't seen one in real life before. That is the Bernese Mountain Dog.. which originated from Switzerland as a working dog in the mountains. That is one big dog for sure, and judging by its looks I know I wouldn't be able to keep one unless I was a farmer's wife high up in the mountains... it would need a lot of exercise and work to keep it fit and happy. Check out a not very impressive picture of it here... I can't seem to find a nice picture of the breed. http://www.dogzonline.com.au/breeds/profile.asp?dog=1584

There goes my history of interaction with dogs! It's my hope that in future as a vet I would be able to keep more pets with me... and I have heard that there is no lack of opportunities to adopt unwanted or sick animals from irresponsible owners who abandon their pets in trouble, and who cannot afford to give their pets treatment. Well we'll see. :)

Yet another baffling dream

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a hurry to get to school... so there I was driving to the carpark and terribly worried that I would not be able to find a parking spot. Luckily I found a couple and did my parking, however, the gear stick in 'park' would not keep the car stationary like it was supposed to. I was very anxious and just kept changing gears between 'park' and 'drive'. And then, the gear stick broke off and the car started sliding backwards on the slope...

Sick and tired of avoiding the important things in life

Just how many of us can honestly say that we live our lives completely true to ourselves? I know I'm not. But I strive to be. I have come to realise it's one thing to be idealistic, but it's thousand times more difficult to be able to put your words into action. There are so many things I have yet to achieve... and when I evaluate myself from time to time, I come up against so much resistance because I'm afraid of knowing the truth. And then I wonder... do other people feel the same way? or do they simply choose to numb themselves to what's important in life and prefer not to become aware or think too deeply about certain issues?

However, I will never be in a position to judge anyone else. Nobody ever does I suppose. And I have yet to make a friend whom I deeply respect for living a life of purpose and awareness. Let me meet a monk or nun any day! At least I think they will come closest to being the people who practice what they preach, with conviction.

I don't want to be influenced by the general public sentiment anymore. I don't want to disregard my own beliefs just because they create additional obstacles. And I want to live each day knowing that I could not have done any better for myself or anyone else.

Treat yourself better by making a conscious effort to filter out any unnecessary unhealthy food to your body. Banish any selfish thoughts about other people and see all as equal. Do onto others what you would like to have done to you. Treat each individual that comes into your life as beings who each are on their own journeys learning different lessons... that is why even your enemies ought to be given compassion. Stay in a state of awareness of energy interactions among all living things on Earth be it plants, animals or human beings... and be conscious of the fact that every action u take, every decision you make, and even every thought you project, has an effect on the world out there. So take the time to live a life with no regrets, letting go of all fear, and trusting that everything you ever want and need will be provided in the right place and time.

I wish I will be able to lead a meaningful life that is of certain impact on others, and not a comfort-based life of luxury-seeking.....

A better day than I expected

I'm seriously not trying to change this into a dream journal... but my dreams of late have been disturbing, ever since i claimed that i never have bad dreams to a friend... Just last night I dreamt that I was in Spain, and a primary school clique of friends were plotting to eradicate my existence. I had to display strength and hypocrisy so that they could not do anything to me and I played along, while noting all the attempts they make to plot behind my back. And then while I was struggling to survive, I met up with an old friend from secondary school, who, for some reason, tells me her sad story of not being able to return to Singapore. She had heard from the people around the area that me and my "gang" were in town and so she was very happy to rush over and meet me.

Which is totally weird since i haven't thought about all these people in ages...

I'm in a much better mood today... I had been expecting a week free from animal handling, when all of a sudden yesterday my vet-mate Lydia suggested going for extra sheep handling classes today. My heart just sank and I really, really, didn't want to go... but i know i would be doing myself injustice if i passed up any chance to 'perfect'( haha what a joke ) my handling skills. And so this afternoon we went along to join another class in the sheep handling. And I'm pretty happy to say that, by the end of the lesson I did manage to draw blood on both occasions that I bled the poor unfortunate sheep... and that I would have the chance again to do so and reassure myself in 2 weeks' time :) How this plagues me. But it's not supposed to be like this at all... all this worrying and un-manageable fear. I think I would normally pride myself on being able to pick up such skills fast, but it has just not been the case these past few weeks.

And that's why I hate wednesdays... not to mention the fact that I also go for a capella practices to Perth Harmony Chorus with Samantha on wednesday nights... and right now i suspect that the both of us are resisting the urge to drop this new hobby of ours. haha.. we came to the conclusion just the other day that, being both Aquarians with birthdays just one day apart of each other's.. we are pretty similar in that our interests often dwindle after a while and we hate commitments. So anything that requires a constant dedication and routine... is not for us. With regards to a capella... I don' t deny that we have fun singing... I enjoy it while I'm there.. provided we get to sing, but whenever they start talking about the admin stuff I start thinking to myself that it's just not my cup of tea. There we have this bunch of old ladies (but very nice ones) who are passionate about singing and probably make that a very big part of their lives... who share close knitted relationships and bonding with one another... and then add two young girls (hehe I am forever young) who are not even sure whether they are going to commit long term due to travelling in and out of the country as well as uncertain plans for the future... It just does not match at all. But I admire them a great deal... and these australian ladies are one of the nicest bunch of people I've met in australia so far.

What a Dilemma.

Out of Curiosity

Just out of curiosity, something prompted me to google the possible meaning of a crocodile and cockroaches appearing in my dream last night. This is what I got for crocodiles from one website:

Judging or feeling judged
A need to be more discerning
Needing to evaluate something
Adopting a stance of resistance
The object or person being criticized may be mirroring your own faults

Frankly I cannot quite see the connection between these possibilities and a crocodile????

I still think it's about the need to confront my fears, that i won't necessarily get bitten, would i?

As for that flying cockroach...

Interpretation: To see cockroaches in your dream signifies your need for renewal and self-cleansing of your mental, emotional, or spiritual being. You need to rethink major aspects of your life.

Hmm... that kind of makes sense, if I perceive cockroaches to be really dirty, but personally they just make my skin crawl. Or the fact that the dream ended with us not being able to catch the cockroach and it flying nearer and nearer to me signifies that there has been a problem that is really bugging the hell out of me.

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As I took a short nap just now, I remember bits and pieces of my new dream.. it's really short because I can only recall the last part of it.

I find myself in an indoor sports stadium of some kind, with many people sitting on the stands. I was aghast to realise that I am to play a tennis match against an opponent ( an unimpt person). Naturally I was nervous because I suck at tennis... I can never hit the ball to where I want it to go. The commentator/referree's voice was booming somewhere from above the stands... he was very kind and completely encouraged me, and so I played.. 3 serves, and I won 2 out of 3. I walked off the court feeling good about myself and the commentator was simply just congratulating me over everyone else's voices. I walked to the sides to prepare for my next event, running... for which I wasn't really worried because I had more confidence in that than in tennis. This was when I saw Hanping and Kejia at a distance away...

Teehee, I really have no interpretation for this.

Fears in a dream

After my discussion with Wy on the vividity of dreams and what it could possibly mean, I encountered a very realistic one myself last night. I've been having adventurous dreams and this one was no exception. It was quite a long dream but I could only remember certain parts of it ( even though i scrambled out of bed and immediately jotted it down ).

I found myself entering a tunnel with another girl, who seems familiar, and is a friend, but I cannot recall who it reminded me of, now. The tunnel was dark and encompassed a flowing stream within. We decided to each grab hold of something in order to float along with the current. Problem was, we didn't expect to encounter crocodiles.. and the crocs were very vivid, and we were frightened. I kept shifting my legs so that they won't dangle into the water and catch their attention. We floated past many crocodiles and at the end of the stream, landed in a heap in front of a person, from whom we apparently are escaping from. Horrors of horrors. We ran wildly away from the person and out into sunshine...

In the next part of the dream, I found myself in school. the girl friend who was in the tunnel with me didn't go to school that day. I started being picked on by the lecturer/principal.. Apparently my friend told on me, and since the tunnel incident was illegal, I was in a lot of trouble. The girl had told her mother who subsequently told the principal that it was my fault and that I had dragged her into it. In front of the whole class, the lecturer asked me a very simple question regarding the subject we were studying, and I couldn't answer it. Based on that as an excuse, she failed me in the unit, and because vet students are not allowed to fail any unit at all, I was kicked out of the vet course at Murdoch. I went home, feeling very sad but naturally kept to myself while my family busied themselves with their activities. But they knew. We got down to sitting around in my bedroom, where papa suggested moving to Eastern australia and start anew, and my second sister was very excited because she liked that idea. But I adamantly refused, as I didn't want to start over Yet Again. The reason why I was so upset was because I didn't know how to face anyone who found out that I had to change school more than twice.. suddenly a cockroach started flying around in the room, a big fat juicy one. Papa tried to catch it but it just kept flying, flying......

This dream is very reflective of my current fears, I suppose. Much as I enjoy my course now, I am worried that I may yet, again, find out that it is not right for me. I guess I'm petrified even at the slightest possibility or the thought of it. I'm worried that I might fail even the re-test for the animal handling test at the end of the semester... if not this semester, what about the subsequent ones where it just gets more difficult? It has taken a dream to make me realise that I'm more afraid of the issue than I would admit. I know it's pure stupidity to let the past affect my outlook on future prospects, but I need to address the underlying fears head on....

struck by the blues

i'm so glad that my tests are over. Now is the time to take a short break and then start catching up on all the lectures so that I won't feel as bad for the finals as compared to those tests that just took place! I think I did terribly for the tests, possibly because I was sick, but then I thought it was also because I just didn't feel like memorizing much, and so I drew up a big blank when it came to the test paper.... and horrors of horrors, the lecturer Jim Cummins came up to a group of us yesterday and I had my back to him at first... couldn't bear to turn around cuz i know he had marked our papers??!?!? and then he poked me ( ?!OW) and i sheepishly turned around and apologized for doing crap for the paper ( why on earth did i apologize? ) It was really embarassing... the test section he was marking was on the reproductive topic. For a particular question, I wanted to write on the mesenteries holding up the male reproductive tract and so, I was going to draw the male external and internal genitalia... and after drawing a horrible looking external outline... i realised that i didn't know how to draw the internal stuff after all... and the outline looked pretty ugly as well, and i guess the logical side of me just felt silly for drawing something as inappropriate as that, which doesn't answer the question Anyway. so I kinda scribbled the drawing out, but what i really felt like doing was to tear that piece of paper out =P

Where is motivation when i needed it most?

Can you tell this is a vet student's room? 

I guess I overdid it a little with the colours 

View from my bedroom window, where I sit to study everyday 

Down with *sniff*, *cough*, *ow*

I'm down with a bad bout of flu and I'm starting to feel sorry for myself. I hate it when that happens. Emotions I thought I never had always start to well up from no where and bubble over in the form of tears. I went to the pharmacy to get myself a superduper cough syrup, hoping to sleep my illness away. But the lady over the counter recommended a non-drowsy syrup instead. I guess that ought to help me with studying for my test... oh well. I sooo love the taste of cough syrup. :P

Since I neglected to put in an entry about my pig handling prac over the past few days because I was feeling too nua to put my thoughts into words in the blog, I thought I might make up for it now. Pigs scream. They don't squeal. That was the main misconception I got before I started this semester. And one pig is enough to sound like a dinosaur from jurassic park. The sounds they make are simply horrendous. But it was quite enjoyable and amusing to see the look on everyone's faces when the first piglet in the pen started to scream as soon as it was picked up. It was the eyes wide open mouth slightly ajar and look around at each other incredulously kind of scenario. pretty funny. Although I do not have any experience with babies, I think i would say that I'll be glad in future when I deal with only a baby for my offspring, and not a piglet. The noise would drive anyone mad.

They say that pigs are one of the most intelligent farm animals. I would say that they make great friends to one another. Why? because over the few hours that we learn to restrain and tie pigs up with bits of rope, the surrounding free pigs would always appear to gnaw at the restrained pig's rope. I am amazed by their instinct to "rescue" their mates. Either they instinctively understand another fellow pig's distress, or the screaming pig must really be bawling for help. I feel kinda sorry for them. But to be efficient and quick, there is no time for empathy and soft-heartedness. I have come to realise that if I am afraid of hurting the animals, then I will definitely fail my end of semester practical exam. Sigh. When it comes to animal handling, I'm such a klutz.

Animals are said to be forgiving. They do not bear grudges, unlike humans. I wonder how forgiving those animals are, being all cooped up in the school farm and becoming practice tools for the many students like me...

Lost and Found

I am amazed. Stunned. Shocked. Bowled over by the fact that, my spectacles have been lost and found, in the most unexpected situation.

Even though this sounds crazy, even though people may tell me that it's all but simple coincidence and luck, I still have to jot this story down in my blog... to express my gratitude.

Yesterday in school, I lost my spectacles and I could not find it anywhere despite retracing my footsteps to where I had my lectures and studied. What's new, I thought? It was not the first time that I lost yet, another pair of specs, as careless as I was. For a long time now, when I lost something, or thought I lost something, I will usually recover the item within a few days, or perhaps I just forgot where I placed it. I think some of my friends are used to me complaining that I lost something, only to tell them sheepishly that I found it in my bag, or in my car. But this time, I completely had no idea where my spectacles could have dropped, because I had little recollection of when was the last time I had it on me. But I know I lost it in school. Luckily, I know I had a spare pair, and was using it this morning and last night anyway. In my mind, the missing pair of spectacles was as good as gone.

Last night, I attended this event at Burswood, by myself. I didn't tell anybody about it.. well, I like to think that I just neglected to mention it to anyone, for it was merely for my own interest. (Truth is, if you're my friend and you're reading this now, you probably think i'm nuts) The guests of the show were Doreen Virtue, and Gordon Smith. I had come across Doreen Virtue in her website regarding angel therapy. By angel therapy I mean engaging angels' help in healing and wisdom in your everyday life. That is, if you believe in angels. Since secondary school I have always been more than interested in the New Age type of spirituality, and though it went away for a while, my interest re-established itself after I was no longer involved in a relationship.

All along, angels always came across to me as, something that I would like to believe in, but I don't. Things like that seemed miraculous and too good to be true, and I don't forsee any miracles happening to me. When I read about Doreen's upcoming event in a newspaper, seeing how popular and internationally aclaimed she is, I decided to give her, and myself, a chance by going for it, unfortunately, with my usual sceptic mentality. I found myself surrounded by heaps and heaps of people who, unlike me, have had experiences with angel interventions in their lives, and I felt overwhelmed. After all, I was coming face to face with people who simply had no doubt about the existence of angels because they are working with them, communicating with them. Doreen was a wonderful and inspirational speaker. She was literally shining with sincerity. Over the short one and half hours that she was allocated, she picked out a few people to give angel readings to. ( To understand this, first you must know that EVERYONE, regardless of how you have behaved in your life and whether you think you are deserving or not, has at least 2 guardian angels, who would have been there since the day he or she is born. Whether you acknowledge their presence or not, it doesn't matter.. they are there) Anyway, what I am trying to say is, what I saw last night was amazing. She talked to people about their lives, and connected to them through intricate details, as told to her by the person's angels. Of course people like us couldn't see anything but Doreen pausing occasionally, as though listening to someone telling her something. But it was obvious that it was simply not a hoax, and she wasn't guessing based on the person's reaction, because she was 100% accurate, and the people she picked out were quite random.

The main take home message yesterday, for all of us, believers and non-believers included, was that we could ask for angel intervention and help any time, and that they are always with us. What was most memorable to me was that at the start, she asked for our guardian angels to make their presence known to us, and told us sense for any difference around and behind our shoulders, as that was where the guardian angels usually are. I wasn't sure if it was just my imagination, but i did detect a heaviness on my shoulders, and to my embarassment, I suddenly felt like crying. But nobody else did, so I don't know what's wrong.

So with an idea of the big picture, I went home and thought about it this morning. I decided to test it out. Knowing how impossible it seems for me to retrieve my spectacles that I lost in school, I asked my angels to help find a way to return it to me. I know that this sounds like a terribly lame thing to do, but I didn't care, after all, no one was ever going to know what was going through my head, if nothing ever happened. The day at school passed uneventfully and I checked the last place that I thought I could have dropped my spectacles. Because I had a test tomorrow, I decided to go home early to study and not attend my last lectures unlike most of my other friends. I admit, back at home, I was feeling kind of disappointed, that nothing had happened to "prove" to me the existence of angels. I had no idea how, but I was hoping that my spectacles would miraculously "fly" back to me.

Just an hour ago, my housemate Brian came home and knocked on my door. He said he had something for me, and handed me my spectacles. I was speechless. He told me that he had gone ahead to buy lunch with the others and while walking along he suddenly looked down and there he saw a pair of spectacles. It was camouflaged against the side of the pavement. He wasn't even sure if it was mine, but brought it back after few confirmations from other friends. How coincidental was that! Or was it coincidence, or not? Judging by the odds of finding it again like this, I decided to believe in my "request" for proof, that angels really do exist. And that's why I am writing this down.

escaping to Haibane Renmei

That' s right.. i've been escaping reality with watching anime for most part of the afternoon, even though i have a test coming up! If I could be two persons at a time, I would be scolding the procrastinating part of myself right now. but what to do? I don't seem to be able to watch just one episode, and then continue concentrating on studying. This is my inability to delay self-gratification i suppose. In the book " the road less travelled", the author wrote that the ability to delay self-gratification is what sets those who succeed in life from those who don't. Does this mean I'm a LOSER?

It hasn't always been like this though. I can remember those days in secondary school where I would really sit down and study nonstop in preparation for mini-tests and examinations. In fact, I would give up sleep just so to be able to memorise in greater detail what would be tested the next day. I am amazed at my tolerance and patience of the past. Where had all that memorising ability gone to?

And to think that the anime wasn't even that interesting that it would keep me occupied for the past 3 hours. Haibane Renmei's graphics were nice, but the story was just too slow for my taste.

Middle of a dispute

When one finds oneself caught in the middle of a dispute, is it wrong to take no sides and sit on the fence?

I always have taken that approach, when I don't see any side being terribly wrong. It's a good thing that I'm not a judge or a lawyer cuz I simply can't make clear cut judgements. I like to see things from an outsider's point of view because the situation is usually more obvious, and I would like myself NOT to be judgmental.

An old friend of mine once said that I was just being a coward in not taking a stand. But I choose to defend myself. What is so bad about disliking confrontations and choose to accomodate everyone? Isn't that what makes a person more easy to get along with in the real world, what they would term as having a "high EQ" ? Obviously, my way of doing things would irk people who live their lives exactly the opposite, where there is a clear difference between right and wrong. I don't want to be rigid. Why get so fixed on the accuracy of being right or wrong? When in disagreement, does it make one much happier knowing that the opponent has been finally proven wrong, and beaten?

I like the use of the water analogy in this case. Water goes with the flow, flows around obstacles in its way and continues as before, what's more, water takes the shape of any container it is put into. Won't life be great if we can all go forward in life with little resistance to obstacles and accomodate each new experience that arrives?

Crazy journal appraisal

Bromocriptaine, octreotide, L-deprenyl? I think I'm going nuts writing my journal appraisal. What is driving me crazy is the lack of information i can find in books and online journals to put into my essay... I must have chosen the wrong topic to write about- acromegaly in cats. sigh. How was I supposed to know that treatment for cats is a relatively untouched research field? I've been spending the whole afternoon writing the essay and fearing that I would lose my momentum once I stop for a break. But eventually my usually short attention span got the better of me... and I crave to do anything, anything but THIS! Yet I tell myself i have to get it done by the end of today, so that I can start studying for immunology tomorrow...

gee... writing this online blog thing is difficult.. I cannot figure out if i'm writing it for myself, or for anybody else to read. End result is a mix of both objectives== wierd style of writing.

My thighs are aching from horseriding this morning. Frankly, I was wondering how far I'm going to take the lessons to. Apparently I can start the intermediate group lessons with Samantha is 2 weeks' time. But that thought itself is way too scary... firstly, I don't feel that neither nor the horse can be trusted to be left alone with one another.. hmmm... and I'm still suffering from bouts of height phobia when looking down from the horse :P But it is getting better.. I have to admit, and that is probably what is driving me back every week for continuation of lessons. And, just standing near the horses make me feel happier ( I was so grumpy in the morning towards Samantha...was feeling quite bad about it)... but I get the feeling that they don't like me very much. Then again, who am I to guess if they like me or not? In the first place, do they even think like human beings? Or am I merely guilty of anthropomorphism here?

I used to think how great it would be to be a horse if I were not human... but now I take my words back. It would be wonderful to be a wild horse running free (but also running the risk of being hunted down), however most of the horses these days in captivity are just so... sad. The amount of gear placed on their bodies, in their mouth, strapping their heads, having to bear the weight of some stupid human on their backs and subjected to inappropriate tugging of the reins but inexperienced riders... I feel quite sorry for them really. Of course, there would probably be people out there who will tell me that it's the horses' fortune to be cared for in a safe environment. Or, that they probably don't even know the difference having being brought up domestically anyway. I guess I choose to believe otherwise... that since their genes have been passed down from their wild ancestors from long long time ago, naturally they will have similar instincts of wanting to be free, and of being in a social group, so unlike what we do to them these days... separating them in stables, and making them do ridiculous things like racing for the sole enjoyment of human beings...

anyway.. I have yet to practise what i preach, else I will be condemning the practice of horseriding this very instant.. since that itself isn't very natural...

A sheep handling day

Am I ever going to be competent in animal handling? 2 weeks ago I had trouble pulling a horse's tongue out of its mouth. Today it was problem drawing blood from the jugular vein of the sheep. Sure, animal handling practicals are interesting, but boy are they damn stressful, to me. I wish the course was organized in such a way that they teach less each session but more frequently. Right now they are trying to pile up heaps of information and techniques on us in what.. 3 hours? For city people like Singaporeans, I consider learning how to catch a sheep in 4 different ways, tie up the sheep's legs with reef knots and what not, clipping hooves and drawing blood and putting on a ram harness, to be an afternoon of information overload. And yet, sheep are supposed to be the easiest animal to handle out of pigs, horses and cattle!

I can't seem to wash off sheep smell on my fingers...... wonder how is it going to be like with cow dung in two weeks' time?

and I feel so sorry for the sheep that was being poked around by me and my lousy needle techniques... imagine someone trying again and again to draw blood from your neck! I've got to admire human medical students... where are they going to get enough "guinea pigs" to practise drawing blood from, till the point they can be confident enough to get it on their first try?

I need to start building up muscles in order to develop strength in lifting 50kg sheep. Haven't felt this much pain in the arm since wushu days.. ha.